Blast (in the ear) From the Past

This is Jake's recount of an incident in Charleston, MA in 2004. Read on reggae woman.

I Fought the Drunk, Undercover, Chinese Law and the Drunk, Undercover, Chinese Law Won

The Projects, Charlestown, MA: Heading home from the birthday dinner of R. Morse proved to be a quite an adventure for 5 members of the clan Randy, R. Morse, Jake, Matt and Steve. After having a delicious dinner in the North End, the group was heading home simply to take a nap or get their drink on. Turning the corner into the Charlestown projects, the "car" in front of the group decided to turn left. As Matt began passing the car on the right, the blinker immediately went off and the car pulled in front of us almost sideswiping the entire lot and destroying the "promising" lives in the car all before the age of 32. Apparently, Mr. Steve Sheridan felt compelled to softly yell, "What the fuck" as the car was narrowly leaving bumper marks in Matt's leg. Apparently, Steve's window was open. Next thing the group knows, flashing blue lights all around. The Fuzz is on the group's tail. Matt quickly pulls the car over and prepares the license and registration. The rest of the account will be told in dialog fashion.

(A sober irish undercover cop approaches Matt's window, meanwhile to the surprise of everyone a second figure moves towards the passenger side heretofore referred to as Drunken Chinese Cop (who by the way was wearing a hoodie, over 50 years old, and looked like he lived on the street. I seriously thought he was a homeless person making the experience that much more nightmarish to me.)

Sober Officer B (S.O.B.) - License and registration please

Matt: Here you go sir, what seems to be the problem?

SOB: I'll be right back. (Chinese guy is slowly developing a tic outside Steve's window)

Steve: What the hell did we do wrong? This is fucked up.

Drunken Chinese Cop's (Dr. ChinC) fist flies threw the open window striking Steve squarely in the ear.

Steve: Sir what was that for?

Dr. ChinC: What are you stupid? Get out of the car and fight like a man.

Steve: I'm not getting out of this car. Are you crazy?

Dr. ChinC: Punk kid. Get out of the car, I'll show you who the big man is. C'mon big man. Get out of the Car.

Steve: I am not getting out of the car.

Dr. ChinC: C'mon (inaudible drunken mumbling)

Steve: Sorry sir what did you say?

Dr. ChinC: What are you deaf?

Steve: I'm sorry sir I can't hear very well. Apparently I was just struck in the right ear.

(meanwhile the entire car is focused on the insane homeless, drunk, Chinese, elderly cop in the hoodie jumping up and down like an epileptic chihuahua on crystal meth - jaws are on the floor wondering whether this guy will just pull a gun on us and end our fragile pathetic lives before the Sox win the Series.)

SOB comes back realizes his partner is drunk and insane and quite possibly struck a passenger in the car.

SOB: Sir why is this car registered out of state. Why? Where are you going?

Matt: This is my company car. We just had dinner in the north end and we are headed back to where I live in Somerville.

SOB: Did you guys all go to school?

Matt: Yes sir, we are all Cornell grads.

(SOB suddenly realizes that his partner is completely fucked. Not only were the punk kids he hit not carrying drugs and looking for ho's (well perhaps carrying some drugs) but were Ivy league grads with good jobs heading home from an expensive dinner. SOB sees his career flashing before his eyes. Dr. ChinC suddenly isn't so tough.)

Matt: Officer what seems to be the problem?

SOB: You've got to watch your mouth around here - you can't be yelling things out the window at people. (Apparently yelling things out a window is not covered by first amendment rights in Charlestown)

Dr. ChinC: (looking suddenly sober) Yeah you never know who's carrying a "hot box" around here.

(everyone in the car puzzled by the term "hot box")

Dr. CHinC: You know a "hot box" - you're lucky someone didn't have gun in their glove compartment. You guys live in Somerville - you know how it is.

(everyone nods not feeling that this is the time to tell him we live in Davis Square and do not have to fight off gang members on our way to and from Sligo Pub.)

SOB: Just get out of here and be more careful - you are lucky today.

Matt: Yes sir thank you.

Officers leave - entire car "What the Fuck was that about?"

Steve: I don;t know let's get home so I can file a report.

(Now home on the phone with Charlestown police:)

Steve: Yes I was struck in the head by an undercover policemen near the Charlestown projects around 8 tonight.

Police Station: Can you describe what this person looks like?

Steve: Yes he was over 50, chinese, with gray hair, wearing a hoodie.

Police Station: We don;t have any record of anyone working in that area tonight. The description may be too broad.

Steve: Forgive me for being stereotypical, but how many elderly Chinese undercover cops do you have currently working the Charlestown projects.

Police Station: I'm sorry sir I can;t help you. You may try calling the Boston police.

Steve: Fuck this.

So in the end, Steve ended up getting punched by an elderly drunken Chinese cop and losing hearing in his ear for almost a week. It is not currently known if this hearing is currently 100%. Due to the fact that he still does not own a boxspring and still sleeps on a mattress on the floor covered in dirty clothes and mouse droppings after constant prodding, we believe he can't hear a thing.